You know, im starting to hate the people around me.
Its not because of the things they did, its all because of the things they didnt do.
And somehow, im getting more and more used to sleeping alone at night. If you dont already know, i cannot sleep alone and i sleep with my sis on the same bed since eons ago. The last few days was quite ok without her, now that she's back, i thought everything would be back to normal only did i realise she'll be checking in to NUS hostel this coming Friday and very soon, i will have to sleep alone, for the longest time ever.
I kinda dread that.
Every passing day, its like suffering in pains.
Every yesterdays, its like bittersweet memories gained.
I told myself not to fall in love, and even if i did, i swore not to confess.
I standby this promise and its making me vexed.
不想难为你,却不想放弃你
对不起,对不起
我爱你。
My weekend was incredibly well spent though i returned home with patches of sun burnt marks that's ridiculously painful even without touching it and feeling really really lethargic.
So, after work at 1am on Friday, i rushed home to bathe and waited for James to pick me up. Off we go for a fishing trip at Rompin, Malaysia!
James, myself and Michelle enjoying our little road trip to Malaysia.
Swopped place with Michelle halfway through the ride because i was feeling nauseaus sitting at the back and rolling all over at i dont know, 120km/h? Was a good thing Michelle finally decided to join us at the last minute.
And we kept photo-whoring in the car during the jam at the custom.
I've been wanting to go out to sea to fish since 2 years ago but it was never fulfilled because..of many reasons. Now that there was a chance, of cos i had to grab it!
We reached the place about 7 in the morning and straight away set off to the sea to fish all the way till about 6pm i think? We didnt sleep at all! My eyebags were so swollen and dark and i couldnt hold my eyelids at many times that i kept taking power naps.
My first catch with my shifu beside me.
Laughing at me for catching small fish right? Just you wait! That was just the trial run..
We caught all these! And i have some share in catching the bigger fishes ok!!! We had some of it for dinner and it was slurping good!
More pictures of us..I looked so bad at the end of the day! Totally shag!
My expectatin of fishing wasnt like what i experienced yesterday. It was so much more fun. I wouldnt mind going there again! Terence must join us this time round to make it even more enjoyable!
We left earlier for home after a night of sleep because of various reasons whilst the rest of the people went out to sea again for bigger catch today. What a pity..i wanna go for big catch too! Next time definitely.
I was fishing at the same spot almost the entire time and half my body was in the shade so my right is darker than my left and my back is badly burnt. SIGH, i wanna get tanned, not burnt! And now my skin looks horrendous not only because it is RED, the tann was UNEVEN and i can see my SPAG TOP MARKS.
And there goes my precious getaway..back to work tomorrow..oh my life..
I totally love how i spent my weekends this week. New memories down my memory lane..
I remembered i once wrote on my blog, that as time passes, people start to change. Their needs and expectations, their lifestyle, their thinking, their preference, the things they do, their priorities and all. Everything starts to become different, even if it used to be the same. And that is the time that their paths had to cross and start to drift, all because they had different goals and aims to walk towards.
And i am starting to feel it all over again.
Its true, that no matter how close people could be before, will start to become like they never knew. You no longer know what the other person like or dislike, you no longer understand what they want, to the extent that you start questioning yourself if you really knew them all along. Its becoming so..far and distant, like a stranger.
I dont see a point, if you no longer feel like you're on the same frequency as the other, to force yourself and pretend that the relationship used to be the same as before. Upset? Definitely. But what can be done to salvage? I dont know.
I think its hard to turn the situation around when it drifted because it was part of.. growing up. Maybe i should put it this way. It is nobody's fault that things ended up different and apart if the reason was due to a change in thinking and their lifestyle which is all part of growing up.
And of cos, we could have tried to make things stay the same. But isnt it hard to try to accomodate each other and as a result becoming more and more not like your real self? And everything goes down to just one thing - we have changed and its no longer the same.
I just feel that its really difficult. I am not happy with my life right now, not because it had changed, but because things and people around me changed opposing to mine. As much as i wished things could still be the same as before like all the happy kodak moments etched so deeply down memory lane, i know that in reality, it wouldnt return again.
Am i blaming 'life'? Maybe. But other than using this as a reason (or excuse if you want to put it that way), i cant think of anything else why could be the cause.
We've all grown up and nearing what we really wanna be and wanna do. Though things went against the way we want it to be, im sorry to say, we've changed. We have too much differences and its hard, its really hard to understand each other now. We tried, but common topics seem too little, able to say whats on each other's mind without even speaking, is so hard to make it happen.
My dear, my love, this is a very painful truth for me. I dont know how you feel, i can no longer feel it, but i hope, even though we've drifted, there's still a little tiny space somewhere inside us that will never have to part.
Its so difficult to drag on and on, knowing there's a problem between us yet i kept refusing to face it and try to escape from it pretending everything's okay when it's obviously not. You will always be that important person in my life, and i hope we will never have a permanent part.
I am waiting for the day, when we continue to change and perhaps, grow towards the same, where our preferences from two become one, we could then relive those moments and get back what had been gone and wasted during the period of differences.
iloveyou.
8.23 am. I am waiting for my hair to be dry so i can finally hit the sack.
Partied at Wayne's place earlier on as a farewell party for Nicky. We are so gonna miss you!! The party started from about 2pm (because i had to go buy food and mop the floor with Wayne!!) till 7am. Crazy shit!
Partied at Zouk on Friday night with the gang and it was...crazy.
I am sleep deprived.
And..i hate my life.
I really feel damn loserish lah. Why does this always happen to me? Dont i deserve something better? Or rather, deserve someone else?
Argh. I hate my life
I wanna sleep...now and never wake up.
I took a few days off to get myself away from work. My initial plans were of course, to have some ME time (manicure, pedicure, facial, spa, tanning, work out, shopping, dinner with friends, pack my room) but its been 2 days and all i did, was to sleep, eat and watch tele.
The thought of being a tai-tai now scares me so much i dont think i'll ever wanna be out of job. It is just two days and i hate the thought of doing nothing or having too much time. Dont blame me, blame my laziness. I didnt wanna do any of those things i planned on doing. Well, except for the first 3 items because that was what i am going to do tomorrow.
Tanning? Every time my alarm rings i ask myself, "what if i get too dehydrated and faint and die? I better not go tann." Then i fall back to slumberland and continue to sleep because i know there would be nothing to do once i wake up so i would rather spend my time sleeping.
And that sucks. Its crazy! I sleep so much i scare myself. And you havent heard the worst.
I go to bed before 1am every night, only to find myself waking up at this unearthly hour (its almost 4am now taking into consideration i forced myself to continue sleeping) feeling so awake but with absolutely NOTHING to do. Then i try to get myself sleepy by going online and do nonsensical stuffs like what im doing now, and i'll suceed only at about 6am. Go back to sleep and wake up at 4pm the next day and the cycle goes on and on and on.
I hate my life.
and i need to go back to work.
And i always thought i hate working, cos im always caught yawning or saying "sian" but in fact, its 100 times better than staying at home and sleeping.
Gosh..i hate myself.
* yours truly.
amber.ruoxuan\\twenty\
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20051987\\single\\operations analyst @ credit suisse\\friendster*
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